My Life Is A Message.

 

I thought about running away. 

Uprooting and running from my problems.

I've been running from everything and everyone my entire life.

It was time for me to face the most challenging chapter of my life thus far.

And I did.

My life is a message.

This Ghandi quote fell into my lap at just the right time.

My life is a message.

So is yours.

What do I want it to say?

I want to leave a legacy when I die.

My life has never been this upside down.

I pushed the restart button, and it has been a damn trip.

It took longer than I wanted it to, but I feel like I'm finally starting to be honest with myself about who I am, what I want, and where I'm going.

I had to figure that out by being alone.

Solitude out of my comfort zone showed me what I was made of.

I had no choice but to fight with everything I had even when I was tripping over my own feet.

I'm proud of me.

Here's what I've been up to the last 5 months. 

A strange little journey that brought me into sunshine.

 I lost almost every girlfriend I considered a best.

You truly learn who your friends are in times like these.

And it's extremely shocking.

My "best" girlfriends? 

Crickets.

Even after leaving sobbing voicemails begging for a friend during my darkest hour...nothing.

One text came later on saying, "I'm sorry you're hurting right now. But I can't be there for you when I don't support your decision."

Cue KNIFE.

Cue TWIST.

It still sickens me.

Girls who knew me inside and out.

Who knew what was going on.

Who claimed to love me no matter what. 

Gone.

I'm still hurt, but not bitter anymore.

The night I almost completely lost it, one of my best friends Sarah dropped everything she was doing and took care of me.

She still does!

I'm so grateful for her.

That is a real friend.

One who may not understand every detail or know everything that's going on, but still supports you.

Warmed my aching soul.

Here's my love:

 

We're trouble for sure.

  

A short time later, I was informed that all of my things were in trashbags.

In my garage.

Waiting for pickup.

I didn't pack one thing.

Tony informed me that my former best friends offered to pack my things up so he didn't have to.

CUE KNIFE.

CUE TWIST.

Sweet Sarah opened up her one bedroom apartment for me and everything I owned.

She helped me sort through everything as I cried and laid on the floor looking at the mess of my life I had made.

 Gotta vent about this:

My jewelry all connected.

This took me hours to untangle.

Lots of it broke.

This is when I stopped caring about "stuff".

It doesn't mean anything when your heart is in turmoil.

 

Sarah has two Boston Terriers- Oscar and puppy Maddie.

They are good snugglers.

All four of us in a queen bed every night for two months?

Crazy.

But so much love.

 

  

  

Most of my things went into her garage.

I had so much negative energy, nerves really, that I had to be doing something constantly to distract me or I would fall into a dark place.

So I redid most of my furniture.

 

And I spent time with girls who are strong and beautiful.

Sarah and I moved to a townhouse near my nephews and parents. 

It was hard to make a room just for me when I had worked so hard to make a home for people I loved.

But I did it anyways.

And bought these pillowcases to remind me that there are in fact roses somewhere, and I should stop and smell them instead of wallowing in my own tears.

 

The holidays were brutal. 

Thanksgiving was the worst. 

I laid on my floor and cried for hours the night before.

By Christmas I was prepared.

I knew I had to deal with the grief but not get lost in it.

So I cried.

And I bawled.

And then I went over to spend time with my family and was thankful I had one that has always loved and accepted me as I am.

And I did enjoy it.

Here's Blaine and I watching Papa Bum (my dad) almost have a Clark Griswold moment.

 Sarah and I hung stockings and filled each others.

 

My parents have been so wonderful.

 

And being completely present for the babies' first Christmas was precious.

 I knew by November that 2012 would be a different year for me.

I'm still not completely sure what it holds, but so far it's blessed me beyond belief.

 Spending time with animals has been something that has healed me.

They don't judge you.

They can feel your heart and your energy and that's all that matters.

One of my favorite friends has this baby polar bear. 

His name is Diesel and I love him and sometimes he stays the night and snuggles with me. 

I seriously don't know what I would do without this friend and Diesel. 

Good peoples.

 

And then, out of the blue, a job opportunity fell in my lap.

I'm a legal assistant at a law firm.

The hours and pay are great, I have insurance, and there's enough pressure to keep me on my toes but not enough to make me feel stressed. 

It's been life changing.

But I suck at waking up.

So Sarah let me borrow her alarm clock that goes off and then rolls off your nightstand and all over the floor until you get up and turn it off. 

It scares the shit out of me but it works!

  

 I took these for my mom.

My desk.

 

Pictures of the beebs.

  

Pretty big space for just me.

I spin in my chair a lot.

 Here's my other picture.

Sarah and I.

Feel free to send me pictures.

 And there is NOTHING like getting a text from your boss a week after you've started saying this:

 I've also discovered Pinterest.

Some of my favorites lately:

 I'm learning how to budget.

But my hair isn't helping the situation.

Anyone have ideas?

I have to get it done professionally, I cannot do it myself, and I don't trust many people with it. 

And I can't go natural because...I just don't want to. 

Heh.

 Doing a little modeling here and there.

Lots of photos for a makeup artist's portfolio.

Super fun.

 Okay.

Here is where I really did a shit ton of soul searching.

PAINTING.

I've always loved it, but never had time the past few years. 

I've been singlehandedly supporting Hobby Lobby.

Most recently:

 

There's a couple behind me.

Sarah and I got a three bedroom.

One room is the art room!

 I stenciled a damask print over my entire bathroom.

 I did this one this past weekend.

They look like japanese clouds.

I'm going to add something to them...like a black panther or a tiger.

Not sure yet.

 One of my favorites.

 It started out sad and dark and ended up blooming.

I learn about where I am in my head and heart when I paint.

 I make these for people now. 

This was a VDay gift for a dude from a chick.

I do a variety of them. 

Pretty fun.

 During Christmas I painted a canvas.

Stuck on some letters.

 Spray painted everything white and sprinkled glitter on it.

Then I peeled of the letters.

I didn't get a finished one, but I love the concept.

I want to try aqua paint with black glitter next.

 The best way for me to heal and learn is by being an Auntie.

This was after work yesterday.

Sweet snuggle puppy Blaine. 

I can't get enough.

This was random and had a shit ton of pictures, but my point is, I've started to listen to myself.

No one else is in my head telling me what to do, telling me how to feel, telling me how things should be.

I'm figuring that out a little more each day.

It took me being truly alone, jobless, and in crisis to get here, but I'm glad I am.