AYO!
I'm pissed about my first post.
But I won't delete it because it's my first one.
First of all, I must have been on some obsessedwithmyface crack.
Could I have more pictures of myself? Lord Almighty.
Then I realized I'm just obsessed with capturing moments, and most moments have been alone.
Soooo. Yeah.
My first blog was almost always the truth.
Blatant, raw truth.
And that's just how I am.
I don't know if I have a filter somewhere inside me, but I have to pep talk myself before social situations where I can't just say what's in my head all the time.
It scares people.
My point is: fuck my last post for being vague.
You come to Sass because I'm real and because I'm pretty fucking amazing.
So I'm going to fill you in.
Otherwise, I can't be myself, and that's too important to me.
A major detail I wasn't honest about in my last blog was that Tony and I were not in a healthy relationship.
A major factor in my anxiety and depression was our relationship.
I didn't see it at the time.
I won't get into the dirty details, but we've both admitted that we could have done things differently.
He could have been different in our marriage, and I could have been different about the way that I ended our marriage.
We divorced at the end of last year.
I'll give you a minute to let that soak in.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I initiated the divorce and moved out last September.
I wish I could say it was a civil split, but it was not.
The best way I can explain it?
With every word that hurt me, every fight that tore me down, every criticism and demand that suppressed me....I slowly disconnected from him emotionally.
I knew this but didn't know how to fix it.
Eventually, my heart was just dead inside.
I knew what I had to do but didn't want to do it.
He was blindsided.
I thought he knew that we were just barely hanging on.
His feelings and actions didn't match up.
As I'm starting to stitch up my wounds, he is still bleeding.
He's in ICU, actually.
I'm trying to help him cope while still hanging on myself.
Don't misunderstand- I loved and still care about Tony.
I always will.
But it was time.
It was an incredibly hard decision.
Do I stay and make it work so I can have my girls?
Do I wait ten years until Lainy graduates from high school?
Do I shut up and stay committed because I said I would?
Or...
Do I break my own heart and 3 others because I feel like its the right thing to do for me?
Either path was breaking my own heart.
I still feel selfish for being in a better place right now.
My heart is joyful, but eyes show pain.
I deeply miss what I thought my life was going to be.
I miss my sweet Sophia telling me about her day while I cooked dinner.
I miss Lainy asking me to read her one more book at bedtime.
I miss the way they stopped and listened to my stories about things I did when I was their age.
I miss Josie's puppy dance when she came inside from the snow.
I miss the way I felt in Greece when I dreamt of my future with the people I loved most.
I get lost in those thoughts. Dreaming of them.
And then I blink back to reality and I'm alone.
I will forever have an empty place in my heart.
I know it won't ever be filled except with the memories I will not let myself forget.
I look back in love, not hurt because it's gone.
Those memories and feelings were real.
And I won't let them fade away or be tainted by what has happened.
I probably won't write about this much.
I may be stitching up, but it doesn't take much to open up those wounds again.
I'm getting there.
I know there will be questions, but I won't answer them on here.
You can email me for that.
That's all I care to share for now.
I'm taking it one day at a time.
Sometimes one hour at a time.
Lyrics by Florence + the Machine drift into my mind when I start to ache:
It's always darkest before the dawn.
Much love.
XO,
Sass
