Everything Is Going To Be Okay.

I'm not sure what exactly prompted me to post today, six months after my last post.

I love how my mind can rewind and then fast forward through the events leading up to where I'm sitting right now.

I miss reflecting.

I miss writing down what I think is a meaningless series of thoughts, and somehow one or many of you pick out what resonates with you.

Life moves too quickly. 

I never thought it moved slowly.

I never wished it would. 

There's no way to completely capture a moment in time...but I think the closest thing to doing so is writing about it so you don't forget. 

Do you ever feel sad imagining that our memories are no longer as precious to us?

We take pictures of each smile, blog each word, and store our histories in gigabytes and databases.

To think there was a time when we only had our memories to rely on to derive happiness from those moments.

Do our existences become less meaningful each time they are replicated?

Do we lose a piece of that memory each time we blast it into the virtual universe?

We will be the last people alive to ever know what our world was like before the Internet. 

We're past the point of no return...and it makes me wonder what type of people the children from this generation will become.

Reliant on technology in lieu of communication, information available at their fingertips with one device...on a constant interlocked network with all their friends and family without ever having to speak to them.

Victims of instant gratification.

The future is scary. 

Want an update?

I didn't look through my last (3) posts from a few months ago, so I'm not exactly sure where to begin.

Pictures, of course, but there aren't many. 

I don't exactly know where to begin.

Interesting.

I just realized it's almost been exactly one year since Tony & I separated. 

My life has turned completely upside down.

I knew it would, but I wasn't sure what to expect. 

I had no bloody idea where I would be today. 

And sitting here, thinking about me then, knowing me now....nothing could have prepared me for the shitstorm that has been my life these twelve months. 

NOTHING.

But how can anyone really be prepared?

There is no handbook in this crazy beautiful life.

Sometimes I wish there was.

I would flip back to the Index and try to find, "August 2012".

Or "What To Do When You Don't Know What To Do".

Or "Fucking SHIT. Am I Doing This Wrong?".

Or "When You Want To Give Up, Do This First".

Nope.

Sass is on her own.

And figuring out how to do this shit one day at a time.

Some days I hate me.

Some days I want to keep running, I'm good at that.

Some days I want to throw up my hands and then not because vomiting is gross and I like my hands.

Some days I take a deep breath and whisper "I hope this is the right thing to do".

But most days?

I get my Sass on and just. keep. going.

Because giving up is for pussies and just because I have one doesn't mean I have to be one. 

Yeah?

Yeah.

So, this update. 

I can't give details.

Mostly because it would take too long.

But also because reliving some times would break my heart all over again, and I think it might just be starting to heal. 

Time doesn't heal some wounds.

I think some of this pain will always ache inside of me.

To my core.

And if I let it, it will consume me.

Drown me.

Suffocate me until I bleed dry.

Not today, darkness.

Not tofuckingday.

The short version:

I went to rehab that isn't the cool pool in Vegas.

I rescued a Bandit.

I made forever friends.

Sarah moved to San Diego.

I moved back home.

I quit my job.

I moved to Dallas.

Moving away doesn't solve anything either, by the way.

You can't outrun your ghosts.

I will fake it until I make it, and I've gotta be getting close.

And here I am. 

Sarah & I are working on getting me out West as soon as possible. 

If I've learned anything I can share with you, it's this:

The only way I ever feel okay?

Laughter.

Life is funny.

You just have to know where to look for the bright places.

They are there.

They may be small, and sometimes impossible to find, but there will always be something that makes me laugh.

And the most important thing?

Everything is going to be okay. 

You'll Get Paid Back.

That's what I've been saying to people who are having a really hard time for no apparent reason.

My Sarah said recently, "I wish I did something to deserve all of this. Then it would at least be justified."

No one deserves to go through some of the things that happen in life.

Tragedy, heartbreak, abuse, death, sickness, loss...

Or sometimes you're on the other end of things.

Helping someone through an extremely hard time.

And you know you're doing the right thing because you love that person and want to do everything you can to help them get through something out of their control.

Maybe just by being there, or letting them vent, or cry on you, or they just want you to make them laugh.

No matter if it's you or someone else- you're drained physically, emotionally, spiritually.

And you think that it might be all for nothing.

And I'm here to tell you that you WILL get paid back.

Not right away and probably not when you need it the most. 

But I know you will because I have been given little gifts.

Maybe I'm just loving life so much that I'm more aware of the little things.

Dunno.

Example!

Last week was rough. 

My baby boys are starting to go to bed by 6:00 p.m. now.

And I get off work at 5:00 p.m. and my office is 30 minutes away.

I cried the day I realized this.

Those little guys have healed my heart so much that I could barely fathom not seeing them only on weekends.

This week my sister said I could come over each day after work and help with bathtime and bedtime. 

Even though it was only 30 minutes, it's the best part of my day.

And know what else I noticed?

My sister needs me for the first time ever.

That is the best feeling in the world.

She gets along fine without me, but could always use help.

This has brought us so much closer together.

Other little things?

Free MAC makeup from my makeup artist out of the blue.

All green lights on my way to work when I would have been late.

A nice text from my boss when I was worried about how my work performance was.

A weekend staying with an 11 year old girl while her parents went out of town. Tucking her in and playing with her was painful in remembering the girls, but healing to love and be loved by a little girl.

My sister giving me a trash bag full of her work clothes so I could take back the $200 of clothes I had to buy but couldn't afford.

My dad calling me one evening just to say hi.

My Sarah doing the dishes...like all the time.

Finding a Hobby Lobby coupon next to my car one day. 

A nice Fed Ex man dropping off a package and non-creepily telling me that I looked pretty when I was having a bad day. 

I could keep going!

When you feel like you're at your end- know that there is good looking out when you're doing good to others and to yourself.

Look for it and embrace it.

It's up to you to find it in the ugliest days.

And it's a much more beautiful way to live.

XOXO

My Life Is A Message.

 

I thought about running away. 

Uprooting and running from my problems.

I've been running from everything and everyone my entire life.

It was time for me to face the most challenging chapter of my life thus far.

And I did.

My life is a message.

This Ghandi quote fell into my lap at just the right time.

My life is a message.

So is yours.

What do I want it to say?

I want to leave a legacy when I die.

My life has never been this upside down.

I pushed the restart button, and it has been a damn trip.

It took longer than I wanted it to, but I feel like I'm finally starting to be honest with myself about who I am, what I want, and where I'm going.

I had to figure that out by being alone.

Solitude out of my comfort zone showed me what I was made of.

I had no choice but to fight with everything I had even when I was tripping over my own feet.

I'm proud of me.

Here's what I've been up to the last 5 months. 

A strange little journey that brought me into sunshine.

 I lost almost every girlfriend I considered a best.

You truly learn who your friends are in times like these.

And it's extremely shocking.

My "best" girlfriends? 

Crickets.

Even after leaving sobbing voicemails begging for a friend during my darkest hour...nothing.

One text came later on saying, "I'm sorry you're hurting right now. But I can't be there for you when I don't support your decision."

Cue KNIFE.

Cue TWIST.

It still sickens me.

Girls who knew me inside and out.

Who knew what was going on.

Who claimed to love me no matter what. 

Gone.

I'm still hurt, but not bitter anymore.

The night I almost completely lost it, one of my best friends Sarah dropped everything she was doing and took care of me.

She still does!

I'm so grateful for her.

That is a real friend.

One who may not understand every detail or know everything that's going on, but still supports you.

Warmed my aching soul.

Here's my love:

 

We're trouble for sure.

  

A short time later, I was informed that all of my things were in trashbags.

In my garage.

Waiting for pickup.

I didn't pack one thing.

Tony informed me that my former best friends offered to pack my things up so he didn't have to.

CUE KNIFE.

CUE TWIST.

Sweet Sarah opened up her one bedroom apartment for me and everything I owned.

She helped me sort through everything as I cried and laid on the floor looking at the mess of my life I had made.

 Gotta vent about this:

My jewelry all connected.

This took me hours to untangle.

Lots of it broke.

This is when I stopped caring about "stuff".

It doesn't mean anything when your heart is in turmoil.

 

Sarah has two Boston Terriers- Oscar and puppy Maddie.

They are good snugglers.

All four of us in a queen bed every night for two months?

Crazy.

But so much love.

 

  

  

Most of my things went into her garage.

I had so much negative energy, nerves really, that I had to be doing something constantly to distract me or I would fall into a dark place.

So I redid most of my furniture.

 

And I spent time with girls who are strong and beautiful.

Sarah and I moved to a townhouse near my nephews and parents. 

It was hard to make a room just for me when I had worked so hard to make a home for people I loved.

But I did it anyways.

And bought these pillowcases to remind me that there are in fact roses somewhere, and I should stop and smell them instead of wallowing in my own tears.

 

The holidays were brutal. 

Thanksgiving was the worst. 

I laid on my floor and cried for hours the night before.

By Christmas I was prepared.

I knew I had to deal with the grief but not get lost in it.

So I cried.

And I bawled.

And then I went over to spend time with my family and was thankful I had one that has always loved and accepted me as I am.

And I did enjoy it.

Here's Blaine and I watching Papa Bum (my dad) almost have a Clark Griswold moment.

 Sarah and I hung stockings and filled each others.

 

My parents have been so wonderful.

 

And being completely present for the babies' first Christmas was precious.

 I knew by November that 2012 would be a different year for me.

I'm still not completely sure what it holds, but so far it's blessed me beyond belief.

 Spending time with animals has been something that has healed me.

They don't judge you.

They can feel your heart and your energy and that's all that matters.

One of my favorite friends has this baby polar bear. 

His name is Diesel and I love him and sometimes he stays the night and snuggles with me. 

I seriously don't know what I would do without this friend and Diesel. 

Good peoples.

 

And then, out of the blue, a job opportunity fell in my lap.

I'm a legal assistant at a law firm.

The hours and pay are great, I have insurance, and there's enough pressure to keep me on my toes but not enough to make me feel stressed. 

It's been life changing.

But I suck at waking up.

So Sarah let me borrow her alarm clock that goes off and then rolls off your nightstand and all over the floor until you get up and turn it off. 

It scares the shit out of me but it works!

  

 I took these for my mom.

My desk.

 

Pictures of the beebs.

  

Pretty big space for just me.

I spin in my chair a lot.

 Here's my other picture.

Sarah and I.

Feel free to send me pictures.

 And there is NOTHING like getting a text from your boss a week after you've started saying this:

 I've also discovered Pinterest.

Some of my favorites lately:

 I'm learning how to budget.

But my hair isn't helping the situation.

Anyone have ideas?

I have to get it done professionally, I cannot do it myself, and I don't trust many people with it. 

And I can't go natural because...I just don't want to. 

Heh.

 Doing a little modeling here and there.

Lots of photos for a makeup artist's portfolio.

Super fun.

 Okay.

Here is where I really did a shit ton of soul searching.

PAINTING.

I've always loved it, but never had time the past few years. 

I've been singlehandedly supporting Hobby Lobby.

Most recently:

 

There's a couple behind me.

Sarah and I got a three bedroom.

One room is the art room!

 I stenciled a damask print over my entire bathroom.

 I did this one this past weekend.

They look like japanese clouds.

I'm going to add something to them...like a black panther or a tiger.

Not sure yet.

 One of my favorites.

 It started out sad and dark and ended up blooming.

I learn about where I am in my head and heart when I paint.

 I make these for people now. 

This was a VDay gift for a dude from a chick.

I do a variety of them. 

Pretty fun.

 During Christmas I painted a canvas.

Stuck on some letters.

 Spray painted everything white and sprinkled glitter on it.

Then I peeled of the letters.

I didn't get a finished one, but I love the concept.

I want to try aqua paint with black glitter next.

 The best way for me to heal and learn is by being an Auntie.

This was after work yesterday.

Sweet snuggle puppy Blaine. 

I can't get enough.

This was random and had a shit ton of pictures, but my point is, I've started to listen to myself.

No one else is in my head telling me what to do, telling me how to feel, telling me how things should be.

I'm figuring that out a little more each day.

It took me being truly alone, jobless, and in crisis to get here, but I'm glad I am.